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Posty’s Favourite Columns

Inching Towards That Warrior Spirit
First published in The Age, 12 April 2002

Sometimes when you’re watching a documentary, a quotable quote leaps out at you and damn near takes your breath away. This has happened to me a couple of times over the years and I thought I’d share some of them with you.

A few years ago, there was a doco on SBS arguing that before the Asiatic migration into the Americas via a land bridge about 14,000 years ago, there was a much earlier migration by a seafaring people. This is a bit controversial because conventional history has it that we, as a species, were not evolved enough to have developed celestial navigating skills at that time.

Whatever the case may be, the doco went on to explain that right at the very bottom of South America, having been chased all the way by the new colonizers, were the last surviving tribal groups of that original migration.

They claim an oral history that goes right back to the Stone Age, but because there are so few of them left, their cultural traditions are lapsing and some of their secrets are now being revealed. What was secret men’s and women’s business is now in the public domain, and it was the secret men’s business quote that blew my mind. According to the doco, the ultimate secret that was passed on to men over the millennia was this: Women used to rule and they can’t be allowed to know that. Mind-boggling ain’t it? Mostly because I think it’s what we all secretly suspected, but never thought anyone would actually admit.

In the same vein of people admitting to stuff you never thought possible, I also saw a doco about the history of warfare. One of the guys interviewed was a retired United States army general. He was obviously one of those hard-bitten combat veterans who have seen the ugliness of war up close, and have great contempt for desk jockeys and blow-hard politicians who have never been under fire.

At one point in the interview he turned directly to the camera and said, “I guarantee you, any guy who’s started a shooting war, lost out in a dick-measuring contest when he was 13”. I almost dropped the remote when he said that. It’s the sort of thing you’d expect to hear from a feminist activist, not a retired member of the armed forces. In fact, if a feminist activist had said it, it would be easy to dismiss it as mere male-bashing propaganda, but when it’s actually said by a member of the warrior elite, you have to take it seriously.

Armed with that astonishing quote, I am now formulating my own lateral-thinking, anti-war plan. The first stage involves making many copies of that quote, putting them on nice brass plaques and installing them in all presidential and prime ministerial offices around the globe. So that every time one of them gets a rush of blood to the head and wants to send in the troops, hopefully he’ll take a minute and think, “Hang on, people might think I have a small penis if I do this. Hmmm, maybe I should keep negotiating a bit longer.”

Better yet, and bearing in mind that prevention is better than cure, maybe we should start discriminating against men who are light-on in the tackle department, to make sure that they don’t get into positions of power in the first place. If they’re really that freaked out and insecure, and liable to do stupid things because of the shortness of their tool, maybe we could legislate a minimum length requirement for all cabinet positions.

Maybe political parties could develop a festive “measuring of the members” ceremony at their party conferences to help decide their leadership ballots. It would certainly make politics a bit more interesting.

Don’t hold your breath though, for I fear we live in the era of little, little tiny men.

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